Chapter 45 The Generation Gap

                                                Chapter 45   The Generation Gap

During our daughter’s grade 10 year the nitty-gritty of sex education was explored in their Personal and Spiritual Development class. I was a little taken aback when Steph explained some of the details to me. We had brought up our children to believe that they should only carry on sex after marriage, but the school seemed to take it for granted that all young people would indulge before any commitment to a relationship. It seemed to be taken for granted by the greater population too that it was a way of life before marriage for young people these days.

     The teacher pointed out to the students it was important to make sure condoms weren’t perished, and aided by giggling instructions from the boys, described the way they should be applied. Of course the teacher was backed up by general consensus on TV programmes showing sex scenes in explicit detail. There was one thing that struck me, though.

    After the class that afternoon when Steph got home from school, she remarked, "Mum, they didn't even say you shouldn't do it; they just assumed you would."

    Of course all this free love has had its repercussions, a fact not entirely lost on those of us who make up the older population and the medical profession. Of particular angst to me in current times are the ads on television about herpes:  If you are like one in eight of us and have genital herpes; or...anyone can get genital herpes; Excuse me? I think not! Just because something is becoming more common doesn't make it normal.

    I've noticed a worrying trend in recent times that if things are getting out of hand, the ‘powers that be’ declare the problem ‘normal,’ therefore acceptable. That way the problem doesn't exist anymore.

    Any sort of STD was considered unacceptable in my younger lifetime. Interestingly, multiple sexual partners outside of a brothel were also unheard-of. The medical world didn’t see early signs of cervical cancer in 15,17, or 19-year-old women. Young people were not finding themselves with diseases such as chlamydia, or vaginal herpes.Those were diseases usually only found amongst wayward sailors or occasionally, members of Pop bands. AIDS was rare, not seen in heterosexual communities at first.

     Young teens, particularly girls,  can turn feral when their world is turned upside down by a confusing social spectrum and contradictory guidance between parents and teachers.

     Pete and I struggled with the teenage years of our children like most other parents.

    All this time I coped with my parenting problems by talking to my friends at work.  Basically, they were someone to bounce things off and they didn't give me advice, but  provided support and encouragement.

    One of my nursing colleagues said to me one day, "Gayle, you've coped so well with your children. How did you do it?"

    "No," I said, "We haven't done particularly well, we've just stumbled our way from one crisis to another. You have to make it up as you go along and rely on your own judgement each time you face a crisis or a problem. And you hope you’re raising your kids to be able to face their problems in life with good judgement. It pays to keep in mind that you are the adult, and they are the children. They’re going to make a few mistakes."

    It is unacceptable to blame them for all the problems you have. By the same token it is not the fault of the parents. Often it is a breakdown in communication, and society with all its pressures and influences, must take some of the blame. The teenage years are a difficult time for all young people, and for most parents. Often the parents are also young and may have been ill-advised during their own problematic teenage years. As a parent you must be willing to forgive. You must be willing to be there to support, no matter what, and engage when the opportunity arises. If the problems are insurmountable for the parents, or the teenagers, then professional help may have to be be sought.

    Always the experts have said, “Talk to your children.” But it's hard to talk to them when they decide that nothing you have to say is worth listening to.

    They deliberately keep out of your presence. They fully believe they know everything anyway, and they seem to have a rock solid belief that their parents must be the worst parents in the whole community! So, communication cannot be maintained when the parties grow apart from one another, or are involved in constant agonising conflict. Basically, that’s at the root of the problem--communication breakdown. Sometimes there's nothing for it but to involve a third party.

     One thing I feel strongly about is that the last thing kids need is inconsistency at home. Through the whole torrid time parents should stick closely together, united in their struggles. As a consequence, it brings them closer.

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      After University, Steph, always loving variety in her life, went to America to work in the summer camps when she was 19. Continuing on to Holland she spent seven months as an Au Pair. This was hard work, long hours, and for little money; but the way she looked after herself in a foreign country, dealing with a foreign language, was stunning. Not only that but she dealt with minor health problems using basic commonsense knowledge, because she couldn't afford to go to a doctor.

    Peter and I devoured her letters from Holland, and always being a keen photographer she came back with a fascinating collection of photos and all sorts of interesting stories. 
After returning from a second stint in America she found herself a job as a filing clerk in the x-ray department of a large public hospital, where she eventually met the man she would marry.

    By this time she had also completed an Honours degree in human services at Griffith University.

    My M.S. always worsened in the heat and at her wedding I struggled to get into Owen’s car, wearing shoes with a small high heel. It was the last time I ever wore heeled shoes, (and they were discarded before the end of the night.) I entered the church with a walking stick, determined not to take the wheeled walker down the aisle.

    Mum said sadly, “You poor thing, you’re all twisted up but you try so hard.” I knew then what I must have looked like.

    After photos in the church grounds, I was forced to revert to the wheelchair. In church the groom frequently mopped his brow. At the reception at Walkabout Creek the tall, glistening crocquembouche beside a large wooden sculpture reflected our daughter’s desire to be different. We relaxed to the lyrical notes of the harp, delicately played by a young blonde harpist at the beginning of the evening. 100 guests were seated at round tables, with the bridal table in the middle of the room. The bride and groom sat with their attendants and partners. It stayed warm until after 9:30 p.m. when a light drizzle of rain heralded the coming of the cooler weather. I must admit it felt like a reward for all the hard work and anxiety of the previous weeks.

    Their first child, a little girl, was born on 03/03/03. Mum came down to stay when the baby was two weeks of age. Stephanie brought her to see us. As the car pulled into the driveway, Mum leapt to her feet and hurried out. Unable to restrain her excitement, she stretched out her arms to take the baby, and clutching her close to her chest returned inside without a word. Her whole focus was on the baby. Steph and I would laugh over it afterwards. Mum had asked no permission, merely hurrying back into her chair, cradling the baby closely in her arms and speaking baby language all the while, close to the little face. This was the first of my grandchildren and my mother was almost as excited as I was. We photographed the three generations. The little one smiled at 2 1/2 weeks.